Behave as if you Belong Oct.10, 2011 recap

On the show I spoke to you about the idea that in a relationship there are owners and leader roles that we play. The idea being that a leader provides a vision for the future and actions plans on how to develop the presented future and a owner is accountable to the process and incites motivation, reason, and access to the realization of the goals set by the leader. I reminded you that a leader is not dominate, rather is a person that is offering and an owner is a person who is committed and accountable.

In order to maintain the owner and leader positions, IO shared with you a list of relationships skills provided by Jan Maizier's MSW, LCSW book "The Relationship handbook". I have included the list below as well as a link for purchase.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/059525912X?tag=kamurj0b

Finally I spoke about the questions the we can ask inside of these roles, while we develop the skills that were given. Those are posted below Jan's list. Remember, everyone if we are going to behave as if we belong in a relationship we must accept there are going to be conflict that arise and in order to transcend to celebration, we must strive not only towards interpersonal effectiveness, but social contentedness.

SELF OWNERSHIP - If partners are willing to assume ownership of their feelings and behaviors, a strong healthy foundation is created. If either partner feels bad, they are willing to embrace that feeling as THEIRS, and will communicate that feeling to the other partner as an "I" message. such as, " I am tired, angry, etc."

GOOD LISTENING BEHAVIOR - Good listening creates an atmosphere of mutuality, respect, self-control, and communication simplicity. In relationships, good listening requires clearing one's mind and hearing the other's utterances with- out any inner clutter.

EFFECTIVE NEEDS NEGOTIATION - Each partner has their own needs that inevitably will differ from the other partner. This occurs even in highly compatible relationships. Effectiveness in gratifying these needs differences involves the old-fashioned art of compromise. Compromise allows each partner's needs to be gratified in a smaller or postponed measure for the good of maintaining relationship harmony.

ABILITY TO STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT - One of the biggest sources of relationship difficulty is the inability to stay in the present moment. Distortions in the communications process are often caused by the listener contaminating the process with their inner historical issues. Problems they encountered in past relationships influence their behavior with their current partner.

TOLERANCE OF DIFFERENCES - Any difference between two people is a potential for conflict. Conflict breaks out when needs negotiation fail and tolerance is absent. No two people are alike, even the highly compatible. The most functional relationships strive to neutralize as many incompatibilities between the partners as possible, compromising the differences when possible, and tolerating the differences when not.

ON GOOD BEHAVIOR FOREVER - A garden needs sunlight, water, nutrients, and bug maintenance, and so do relationships! Often people get the crazy idea that relationships are self- maintaining, and without the necessary active, ongoing care, the garden-relationship withers and dies. We should always be on good behavior in our relationships. Why would we not be! The sunlight, water, and nutrients of good behavior are tact, politeness, and gratitude. *Tact means thinking about our words and behavior before they are "released" by us; particularly how it will effect our partner.

* Politeness refers somewhat differently to the formal respect and importance we give to our partner, such as please, and thank you.

* Gratitude is an attitude that expresses our appreciation not just for our partner's efforts, but particularly for who they are, and for the radiance they bring to the relationship. Politeness is saying "thank you"; gratitude is being thankful.

GOLDEN SILENCE - In deep relationships, words are often essential, but at times, words can be COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The times when Golden Silence should prevail is when words and facts will cause the partner to suffer, and also times when silence can be used to prevent the upward spiraling of conflict, such as a "time out". Silence, however, should never be used as a weapon of chilly anger, withdrawal, or rejection.

NONREACTIVITY - Nonreactivity is a special relationship skill that is dependent on one's temperament, communication style, frustration tolerance, listening ability, insight, and humility. It is a challenging skill for some people to develop. Partners who are competitive, immature, litigious, aggressive, or addicted to being "right" are at the highest risk for reactivity. This skill needs ongoing monitoring and perfection, so calmness versus conflict will prevail.

ABILITY TO INTERNALIZE AND WORK THROUGH CONFLICT - When we are able to solve our problems internally, we sometimes feel some personal discomfort, but we avoid the potentially greater discomfort of drawing our partner into a problem that may be entirely our own. This can create considerable simplicity, when it is either unnecessary or nonproductive to involve our partner in personal conflict resolution. For instance endlessly coming home to someone and complaining repeatedly about the same problem without fixing it can cause eventual damage.

READINESS TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - Firm relationships are maintained when it is clear to both parties that each person is committed to providing the interventions needed to help the other when necessary and appropriate. This indicates active caring that increases comfort and safety between people.

SENSITIVITY TO PARTNER'S FEELINGS - Sensitivity to the other partner's feelings provides emotional support, but is a far more ongoing state NOT CONTINGENT on a problem situation, but rather a demonstration and commitment because of the other person's importance to us.

Questions that develop a path towards Celebration.

How do I hold you accountable?

How do I get other to show up and be committed?

How do I get people to be more responsive?

What is the right thing to do?

How do you get other to buy into the vision?

How do we change other people?

How much does it cost and where do we get the money?

How do we negotiate something better?

What is the new policy or legislation?

Where is it already working?

Who has solved what it is that we are trying to achieve?

REMEMBER TO CHECK OUT

http://www.clearmind.com/

Behave as if You Belong September 12th recap

Last show I talked about human relations and Social Intelligence, as promised I have here a recap of the condensation.

First there was the three elements of the an individual.

The private self

The projected self

The perceived self

The reason I chose to share these elements with you when we were talking about Human relations was to ensure that you don't get caught up in the think of thin things and stay true to yourself.

The core of the show was all about how we can develop more effective human relations, which of course we to develop solutions and reduce conflict.

1. Keep a positive approach

2. Be an optimistic person

3. Be genuinely interested in the other person

4. call people politely by there name

5. help other people when we are able

6. Think Win-Win and create synergy

7. Think before you act

8. have open communication

9. develop a pleasant environment

remember, these are reminder to what you already know. Also you may have come up with other actions that develop your human relations as well, embrace them because chances are you are correct.

Till next time, peace,

Arland Hurd

Behave as if You Belong Aug. 29th

Concept Mapping and the Atomizing of Thought.

On this weeks show I talked about the need to break down thought to it's simplest parts, so that we can look at the concept that we think about an find clarity in our mind. I gave several examples of how we can breakdown concept, turn around beliefs, and re-frame our perception of the world around us. Some of the sights mentioned on the show were as follows.

https://bubbl.us/

http://www.gliffy.com/

Go ahead and check try them out Bubbl.us is totally free and Gliffy.com has some neat free trails and great software. As I said many time we are engaging in to big of thought than what we are actually needed to for our reality. The following is a example of a Concept map I did that can give you an idea of how to set on up. Remember the lines between are how each concept relates and the chart is hierarchical, most important at the top.

Behave as if you Belong March 21st

The last show I talked about volunteering and I mentioned that I would provide a List of the fallacies that stand in the way of making the choice to develop a new social order. I wanted to do this so that you can look at what stands in the way of volunteering with the community.

1. The is the fallacy that mean is born free. As a matter of fact, he is born helpless.

2. There is a fallacy that the child by nature is good. In fact evidence points at the opposite.

3. There is the fallacy that the person lives in a separate world of his own.

4. The is the fallacy that community is some pure and mystical essence that remains unchanged from everlasting to everlasting. Non-profits are tied to situations, geography, and place and is always changing.

5. There is a fallacy that the non-profit organization should be impartial in its emphasis, that no bias should be given to instruction. (go volunteer with some humility)

6. There is the fallacy that the great object of education is to produce professors and like that community is to create governors "solution" depend on the premise of work. (everyone new help)

7. There is the closely related fallacy that volunteering is primarily an intellectual one in its process and goals. Many people volunteer with organization that are out in the left field all the time, even though they shouldn't.

8. There is the fallacy that the non-profit organization in an all powerful spiritual agency. Nope

9.There is the fallacy that isolation rather than associations is the way of wisdom. notta

10. Finally, there is the fallacy that in a dynamic society like ours the major responsibility of education is to prepare the individual to adjust themselves to adjust himself to social change.

This is accumulated through the writings of professor Gorge Counts.

Problem Solving

Here are the steps for the Problem Solving process I talked about on my show. I hope they help you access more solution in your life.

Step 1 Problem Orientation

* Intention is to set up a positive attitude toward problem solving.

Information needed to understand PO

*People have Positive PO and Negative PO

*Positive Orientation mean that we believe that the problem can be solved, problems are part of life, and if we apply ourselves they can even become fun.

* Negative Orientation means that we are threatened by problems, doubt the can be solved, and get stressed and overwhelmed by problems.

*Problem orientation is created by our thoughts and beliefs

* The type of PO a person hosts depicts the ability for them create solution for their problems.

* PO exists on a continuum 0-10

Step 2 Recognizing and identifying problems

*Share a personal story of a problem that you the case manager/counselor have sloved in your past.

*Encourage the client not to work on that problem.

*Go through steps 1a, 1b, 2

Step 3 selecting and defining problems

*Defining your own problem as clearly as possible in the former step is going to make this process easier.

*Use the questions in the print outs to guide you.

Step 4 Generating solution (Utilize this Site for this step) http://www.mindmapping.com/

· It is brainstorming time.

· Open mindedness is key every idea is a good one that points toward solution

· write them down as you go along

·

Step 5 Decision Making

· what are the potential benefits and disadvantage to the solution

· refer to worksheet

Step 6 Creating and Implementing an Action Plan.

· Utilize the SMART criteria

· Use worksheet

· Specific Measurable achievable Relevant Time-bound

Step 7 Reviewing Process

If everything work out you will know

If not identify obstacle and update your own action plan. Ask yourself is the problem in your story really solved. Start working on a new problem if you are ready!

Behave as if you Belong November 10th Recap.

Consistency:

For those of you that listen to my show I told you that I would provide you with a step by step guide to how to stay consistent.

How to Improve Consistency List

Step 1. Stated to have a morning ritual

My morning ritual consists of meditation, writing, and eating some food before I get in to the shower.

Step 2. Doing things even if you don’t want to.

I shared with you the necessity of this through presentation of working contract work, and how I don’t like to work contract work, yet it gives me experience and ability to connect with people in my filed.

Step 3. Don’t hurt yourself

If you are living you know common sense is a must, listen to it. If you are lacking in it read on it, but use it in life.

Step 4. Focus and take responsibility for the the process, not the potential results

I can’t tell you how important it is to live in the moment. Live what is, not what your neurosis is telling what is. Engage the world. Be at one with it, and if you don't like who you become change the world you live in.

Step 5. Find and do what you love and or like to do.

Here I shared with you my listeners the story of the guru who met with his mentee at the beach. How he told the mentee to come out in the water with him and then proceeded to hold the mentees head under water. Upon lifting the mentee out of the water he asked what he was thinking about while under the water. Breathing and getting oxygen the mentee said. to which he relied go after life with the same focus you had on getting air while under water. Combine this action with the action of doing something you love and you will be an unstoppable force.

Step 6 Let go of old self images

The quickest thing that will create complacency in your life will be remembering the yesteryears that do not apply. If you are no longer the all star full back, let it go. I was so great, I was this, I was that….. Get rid of it all and instead take that energy and develop the moment with something that is present now.

Step 7

Use reminders in you environment

I have done past shows and likely future shows on goals. Write down your goals. Have them visible and read them. Put how much you want to make in your wallet, write down antidotes next to your mirror, write where you see yourself in a few years and read it out loud to yourself or others. It is critical to have a vision of what you intend to be and how you will get it.

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/06/16/how-to-improve-your-consistency/

Mentoring

I did an episode on mentorship on my radio program this week. It took me on an interesting little adventure, first I was able to meet a life coach, then after reading some pieces from various universities I started to get my own sense of what mentoring was and I found a mentor in a part of my life that I didn’t have before. So what did I find out?

Mentorship is a relationship between a more knowledgeable person and a less knowledgeable person, which is mutually beneficial. It occurs when a mentor accepts to train a mentee. I am finding that relationship is something that allows me to skip over what I know I would have to figure out, because it has already been figured out. The aim of a mentor mentee relationship is always to learn.

What can be gained by having a mentor? There are an abundant amount of things that can be gained from having a mentor that cannot be found through really hard work. The one thing to keep in mind is that mentorship means growth for both mentor and mentee. In any relationship inside the paradigm of mentoring there are AH HA moments that occur in a more frequent succession. There are benefits of insight that come more quickly and with greater depth and a state of protection that can develop greater creativity.

There are a few different types of mentoring that occur. The first, business mentoring is done with a senior official in a company and a new hire. This type of mentoring is done to get people up to speed on policy, educated on politics, and create greater networking circles. Next is academic mentoring present in universities and schools and generally is a guidance type of mentoring. The final is an accompanying mentor who walks though the process with you.

Everybody should have a mentor in their life, because let’s face it we don’t know everything and the greater access to knowledge means greater opportunity for growth. I would recommend having a spiritual mentor, a career mentor, and a learning mentor, so that you can gain the most form life. Where ever you have a place in your life that you want to make better find a mentor for that piece of life.

The world of Mentorship isn’t all great however. If a mentor becomes to self absorbed to be effective, or creates a hampering of hopes and desires that mentor can be a negative influence. When there is a connection that just doesn’t work, or you seem to be forcing even simple conversation due to background differences that mentoring relationship may need to be removed. Also if you notice that the experiments that are being created for your growth are continuously failing that might be a sign that the mentor needs to let go or that you need to find a new mentor.

That said I have attached a power point for your viewing. It comes from a research team composed of some doctors at University of Tennessee and University of Georgia.

http://provost.utk.edu/docs/misc/mentoring-2010/Mentor-Workshop-session-2.pdf